I saw tera patrick’s boobies
Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008Yeah yeah yeah, so has everyone. But I saw them live and in person. You know what else I saw? Her muffin top. And her surgically-ravaged face. Gross. I remember whacking it to her in the early 2000’s, before she got her falsies and decided she didn’t want to be Asian. And now? All those happy memories are ruined. Thanks a freakin’ lot, Tera. Those aren’t “boobies”–the diminutive suffix “ies” simply doesn’t work for such freakish sweater puppets. Nay, I declare them to be “boobstrosities.”
The reason I saw Tera Patrick’s boobstrosities is that I went to Steel Panther Formerly Known As Metal Skool last night for the first time. The singer noticed her in the crowd and invited her up on stage to dance around during one of the songs. Could you ask for a better set-up than a porn star dancing to 80s glam rock? I say no. And yet, it was remarkable how someone who fucks for a living can be the unsexiest dancer ever.
But Steel Panther is very, very good. They skipped the “You got the peaches, I got the cream” part from “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” but everything else was on point. The phallic guitar gestures, the overtures to coke, strippers and beer, the fake “Behind The Music” that they played before going on. And let’s not forget the one original song they played, “Asian Hookers.” “Sucky sucky,” went the lyrics, but “ass-kicky ass-kicky” went the maxxximum tuneage. Enough has been written about Steel Panther elsewhere, but if you haven’t seen them, do yourself a favor and head on over to Key Club one of these Monday nights. You might even get to see some boobstrosities.