The crowd went wild when Tommy Lee took out his radioactive penis

I went to Motley Crüe last Friday (thanks Hobey for the ticket hook-up), where I learned a few things:

1. Tommy Lee is the biggest dork in the world.
2. Mick Mars and Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis might be the same person.
3. Vince Neil sounds like a seven-year-old chick.
4. In 2008, girls will still show their boobs if a guy on stage asks them to.

It was a very interesting crowd at the Hollywood Palladium: Guys in their 40s dressing like they did in their 20s; guys in their 20s dressing like that ironically; guys in their 20s dressing like that, but with a straight face; guys in their 40s wearing striped shirts and Diesel jeans; surgery- and sun-ravaged old chicks; drunk Mexicans who were stealing bottles from the Palladium bar; and lots and lots of jailbait, including the girl next to me with whom I shared the following exchange:

“Were you even alive when these guys were cool?”

“No. That’s why I’m awesome!!! OMG LOL BFF <3″

(Note: IM speak added for effect)

I scarcely need to mention that there was LOTS of Ed Hardy there. Once again, douchebags of the world, thanks for making it so easy to identify you.

The reason I saw Tera Patrick’s boobstrosities is that I went to Steel Panther Formerly Known As Metal Skool last night for the first time. The singer noticed her in the crowd and invited her up on stage to dance around during one of the songs. Could you ask for a better set-up than a porn star dancing to 80s glam rock? I say no. And yet, it was remarkable how someone who fucks for a living can be the unsexiest dancer ever.

But Steel Panther is very, very good. They skipped the “You got the peaches, I got the cream” part from “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” but everything else was on point. The phallic guitar gestures, the overtures to coke, strippers and beer, the fake “Behind The Music” that they played before going on. And let’s not forget the one original song they played, “Asian Hookers.” “Sucky sucky,” went the lyrics, but “ass-kicky ass-kicky” went the maxxximum tuneage. Enough has been written about Steel Panther elsewhere, but if you haven’t seen them, do yourself a favor and head on over to Key Club one of these Monday nights. You might even get to see some boobstrosities.

All this was in preparation for a November 26 show at the Kodak Theatre. Presumably, we’ll be playing live instruments for that one. Actually, the bass player we have is really, really good and I’m looking forward to playing with him some more.

So in the “green room,” which was really a white tent, there was this huge plate of whole Persian cucumbers just sitting there. And it dawned on me. That’s gonna be my stage name for all future Persian techno performances. Steve “The Persian Cucumber” Coy. I smell a Grammy! Wait, no. That’s just the cologne cloud from all the greased-up Persian dudes at the gig.